At the beginning of January 2019, my mother Amanda was diagnosed with lung cancer. 

After 2 dreadful weeks of scans, tests and biopsies, our worst nightmare was confirmed. Mum had lung cancer. It was very big and was looking to be very complicated. The surgeon had to operate immediately - if he didn't, mum’s life expectancy was two - three weeks. She had the choice to accept treatment and potentially have a life expectancy of 5 years or decline and only have 2 - 3 weeks left with us. Of coarse mum accepted treatment. 

A week later, mum was taken to Guys Hospital in London to have 3/4 of her lung removed. Surgery went well. Her recovery was a massive worry for us all. It was very painful and draining - both emotionally and physically. 

After a few weeks mum had recovered so well, she was back doing things she enjoyed (to an extent). Walking her beloved dog Ben, looking after my kids whilst I worked and she was even out riding her bike! Things were looking so positive for us. 

After a couple of check ups, appointments and scans, the consultant and surgeon were pleased with how everything had gone. Chemo was necessary just as a precaution but mum was cancer free!!!

Mum started chemo (very reluctantly) 6 weeks after her operation, this was when everything went downhill. She became very poorly and was admitted to hospital for 2 days. The consultant, surgeon and cancer team then agreed it was too dangerous for mum to carry on with the chemo. Chemo was stopped. Mum got slightly better and returned home.

Four very unsettling weeks past and mum didn't seem to be getting any better. I popped in to see her one Sunday evening as I was worried I couldn't reach her on her phone. I was not prepared for the heartache that followed and little did i know that evening that our whole world was about to change.

Mum was rushed into hospital with suspected sepsis. 

Sepsis was confirmed. Mum was extremely poorly. So many times within that one night I thought I was going to lose her but she kept fighting and pulled through. The antibiotics started working and things looked positive again. Mum WAS going to get better and would be home soon. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Mum was taken to a cancer ward within the hospital and remained there for 5 weeks. Within them 5 weeks, she made so many lovely friends. People that could relate to her and supported her. Nurses and doctors were amazing, however the 2nd week of her stay I woke to a phone call at 6.30am from mum saying I needed to get to the hospital - she had to speak to me asap. 

After a major panic, I got to the hospital by 7am. Mum sat me down and explained they had found a major blood clot in her heart and they had to start treatment straight away. Treatment she would be on for the rest of her life as there was no way of reversing the clot. I was shocked, sad and so worried but at least there was treatment. Things were going to be okay... weren't they?

Later that afternoon, the consultant came to see us with results of her latest scans and test that had just been precaution because she had been admitted. It was bad news. 

Mums cancer was back. It had spread to her bones (hips, bottom and spine), her kidney and she had a major infection in her chest with infected fluid on her lung. Her life expectancy was 12 weeks. 

That day my whole world stopped. We were given privacy and sat and cried together nearly all day.

The next 3 weeks were extremely painful and at some points, touch and go. Mum under went radio therapy, blood transfusion and all sorts of different medications to try and help her and to stop her pain. Nothing seemed to be helping. Once she started to stabilise, we started with hospital leave so I could take mum home for a few hours or out for a walk (in her wheelchair as she had lost all strength in her legs) but it was looking like we could get her home and enjoy some quality time together. 

Just when we thought mum was coming home, we were always faced with another obstacle. When they eventually said she could come home, Mum no longer had her independence. She needed my help to walk, shower, get dressed, cook... all day-to-day things we take for granted. I explained to the hospital with mum living alone, she needed care that I wasn't in a position to give with 2 children, 2 jobs and my own family to take care of.

Despite my effort, mum returned home with NO care. I decided I had to give my life up and move me, my kids and my partner into her house and care for her. After all, I was all she had. That evening, after only being home from hospital for 4 hours mum was taken back in. The infection in her chest hadn’t gone and was taking hold off her once again.

1 week later mum returned home. I wasn't prepared for her to leave hospital this time without care so 4 days of care was put in place. 4 days!!!! After these 4 days, mum was left to her own devices. So of coarse I stepped up and looked after her.

2 weeks passed and I began to struggle in every way possible. Mum was deteriorating and I didn't know how to help her. Her pain was getting worse, she was losing more weight every day was struggling. I ended up calling an ambulance out for her 5 nights in a row, by the fourth night the amazing paramedics put intermediate care in place straight away. I felt comfort and like some one was finally listening to me. We had nurses 3 times a day and some of the strain was taken away from me, by the 5th night of having to call them again mum was rushed back into hospital with suspected sepsis (again).

Treatment for sepsis began and mum recovered luckily just before a party I was set to take her to. She was really looking forward to it, we had been out shopping and getting our nails done. She was so determined she would not miss it!!! We both knew it would be our last bit of fun together. Luckily, we made it to the party the following day.

The day after the party I could tell mum was not right. I stayed with her but she did not want any more ambulances, doctors, nurses, tests or scans. She’d had enough so I stayed with her wishing she would let me call someone but I stuck to her wishes and let her be. The next morning I really wasn't happy with mum. I called a doctor out straight away and he confirmed just when you think things can't get any worse they do. Mum was having a stroke.

The following day mum was taken to The Duchess Of Kent Hospice.

The hospice were my save and grace. I had struggled for so long. I felt so much relief knowing mum was now in a safe place with the RIGHT care and the RIGHT people that would look after her properly.

Mum felt safe and that was all that mattered.

She struggled every single day for the next 8 weeks but everyday we became closer with each nurse and doctor that cared for her. They became friends not only to mum but to me too. I can't explain to anyone how much it meant to us to have them there day and night. Mum even started referring to the hospice as 'home'.

The hospice went above and beyond for us - nothing was ever too much trouble.

In the last few weeks of mums life she started deteriorating rapidly and lost all her mobility. This was a major struggle and very difficult for such an independent women to accept but of course, the nurses and doctors done everything they could to help mum and make her comfortable. 

I made a promise to mum from the beginning of her diagnosis. I promised I would be there for her every single step of the way and when we got to the end. I would be by her side no matter what. And i did just that. 

Tuesday evening I got to mum just after I had finished work. As normal, I walked into mums room with my youngest child all happy and chirpy 'Hi Mum!! how are we today?' no reply. Mum was in bed awake but couldn't talk. Immediately I felt a wave of emotion. My heart stopped. I kept asking what’s wrong? are you okay? but she couldn't tell me. I got the doctor straight away and there it was - the moment I had dreaded for the last 9 months. Mum was dying. 

The doctor informed me it was time to contact family to say there goodbyes. She wouldn't make it through the night.

My partner and step sister came straight away and we sat by her bed side.

To our amazement, a couple of hours later mum came to and asked us for a KFC!!!!! She couldn't swallow any more so I knew she would not be able to eat it but if that’s what she wanted, that’s what we would get her. So off my partner went to KFC.

After she had tried to eat her food, mum was gone again. Straight back to 'sleep' (if that’s what you can call it). Me and my step sister settled down for a very un-nerving night, constantly waking to check her, constantly watching her every breath. Mum was a fighter and not ready to go yet! She didn't wake again until the following evening when my partner brought my daughter in, as soon as she heard 'Nannyyyyyy' she woke for a few minutes and then was gone again. Again that night was touch and go and every breath was becoming a struggle. The amazing nurses were by my side the whole night. Mum battled through, for some reason she wasn't going to let go.

By the 3rd night emotions were high. Me and my step sister were so tired and couldn't believe mum was still with us. That night she woke to tell my step sister she loved her and gave her kiss. I then cuddled her and told her it was okay to let go now, I couldn't watch her in any more pain, I would be okay, I love her and would miss her immensely but she didn't have to hold on for me any longer. She told me she loved me, gave me a kiss and went back off to sleep. We settled down to try and get some rest.

Not once did I let go of mums hand as I had promised I would be there and that to me was the only way she knew I hadn't left her. I woke early hours of the morning to mum really struggling to breath, I woke my sister and we sat with her. An hour later her breathing had settled so my sister left for work and would be back later that day. I sat next to mum watching the telly. I fell asleep next to her and when I woke 45 minuites later she had stopped breathing. That was it. It was over.

The pain and heart ache I felt that morning is undescribeable. I had lost my mum. My number 1. Mum was now at peace and out of pain. She battled through them 4 days and her strength is admirable. Cancer did not decide when it was going to take my mum, my mum chose her time and went when she was ready. Her determination, stubbornness and strength had carried her through. 

The Duchess of Kent were by my side the whole time. I am truly grateful for the love, care and support they showed me and my mum. I now feel it’s time for me to give something back to them. They made us feel at home. They brought us light when all we could see was darkness.